TiVo + Evil = TiVil

I understand that TiVo has financial problems, that they've never shown a profit. The innovation they started continues to be cannibalized by rival DVR systems and plans from cable and satellite providers. Well, that may all be true, but I know that TiVo has achieved impressive profits by one particular estimation: in the harvesting of souls.

I got a TiVo for Christmas- or should I say, it got me. My dad has found a deviously clever way of dealing with Christmas for my brother and me- for the past two years, he's given a lump of money to both of us and announced that we have to buy something for ourselves that we have to wrap and put under the tree to be opened on Christmas. All work for us, none for him, and we get something we want. Brilliant. My dad is retired and lives alone and has little to do but spend our inheritance, so he does, and sometimes it's spent on us.

My brother's gift to himself last year was a TiVo, and he's been touting it all year, so this year I bought myself one. It's evil. My friend Badger put it best, something along the lines of, "If I had a TiVo and everything on TV was something I wanted to watch, my ass would be a mile wide." That's it exactly. With TiVo, everything on TV is something I want to watch, when I want to watch it, and it can be hard to break away. I always have a list of choices, and there's almost a feeling of obligation to get through the list so there's always room for more.

Sometimes I let the TiVo select shows to record, sometimes I don't. When I do let it take charge, it's gotten pretty good at figuring out what kind of things I like, although sometimes it still records the oddest things, like the Catholic News or Mexican sitcoms. Mind you, I have a healthy appreciation of big-boobed, scantily clad Latinas and the bug-eyed clowns that ogle them- and that's just the Catholic News- but that sort of thing usually gets the axe in favor of the good stuff. Cheesy UFO conspiracy shows, the history of aluminum foil, Harvey Birdman. Gotta love it. I don't know when this stuff is on, but the TiVo does.... it knows everything.... good TiVo..... is TiVo happy?.... Zonthar make TiVo happy...... Zonthar good servant, TiVo will see.... TiVo will be good to Zonthar and bring more Harvey Birdman......

Free Stamps!

I went to my neighborhood post office today to 1.Send "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" back to Netflix, and 2.Buy some 39-cent stamps (Notice how nobody uses the "c" with a line through it anymore to signify "cents"? Didn't it used to be on a standard typewriter up there on top of the numbers with the dollar sign and the ampersand? It's sure not on my keyboard now. I'm sure I could do some "Insert symbol" thing and stick it in here, but that's a pain in the ass).

A book of 20 stamps is $7.80, but I have six $1s and a 20. I only need a couple in the near future and I don't want a bunch of dollar coins in change, so I put in a dollar, buy two stamps, and then reach into the change slot, where..... somebody walked off and left their change and a whole book of stamps! Wow! Who would do that? The only other people there were a woman who was waiting for me to finish (the story of my life with women), and another one who had been doing something at the counter near the machine, but left before I started (also a typical experience). My natural overdeveloped guilt instinct kicked in after I walked out- maybe I should have tracked down the woman who just left, maybe I should have tried to figure out who they belonged to- but really, whoever it was had walked away and I got over my guilt pretty quickly. Free stamps! Huzzah! The odd thing is, the stamps all have little electronic chips on them, marked "Property of NSA". What could that mean?