Parental Advisory: Not-So Explicit Content

So this is a scary view into the things that occupy my mind, but what the hell. I was driving home from work today and it occurred to me that the "proper" words for things sexual are pretty much all wrong. They fail to convey the essence of what they describe, and for the most part, they're also just strange or silly sounding words. It's not that they're too clinical- that would make too much sense. Really, they should be much more clinical, if they're going to be the "official" words. But they're all just.... wrong. The dirtier words that we all know and love are more visceral because that's what they're about- the theatre of sex. Powerful and naked, stripped of pretense, pure and passionate. You expect and want the dirty words during sex or when you hit your head on a towel rack- or both. But the publicly acceptable words don't even feel right when you say them. It seems to me that if things were as they should be, you'd be able to speak the "clean" words without feeling like an idiot.

One of the best is "masturbation". What the hell is that? It sounds like an unpleasant growth you'd get on your leg. "The infected masturbation was successfully removed." Yuck. It doesn't sound fun at all. Plus, it sounds too much like it's made up of other, more common words- "master" and "bait". Too many other possible meanings and images cross one's mind. Wrong, just wrong.

"Intercourse". Technically descriptive, to be sure, but sounds odd and can also be used to describe mere conversation. Me chatting with, say, the guy at the Jiffy Lube is not the same as making the beast with two backs with the lady or gentleman- or both- of my choice.

"Prophylactic". Great word, really. But funny. Just try to say it with a straight face, I dare you. And it certainly doesn't sound like something that you would fit on Mr. Happy. Actually, it sounds like a Protestant denomination. "No, we don't celebrate the Feast of St. Swithens, thank you. We're Prophylactic."

"Vagina". Don't really know what to think about this word. Doesn't sound sexy, doesn't sound clinical. More than anything, it sounds like some sort of vacation rental. "We stayed in a lovely little vagina with a view of the Mediterranean."

And now my favorite- the symbol of masculinity, the essence of what it is to feel the power of manhood burning in your loins: the "penis". Oh come ON! Is there a less masculine word in the English language? Maybe "flutter" or "snuggle"- why don't we call it one of those? "Penis"? Who thought of that? It sounds like the exact opposite of power and virility. Say "penis" out loud. Go on, do it. Hear how strange it sounds? How you have to get all nasally to say it? All modern attitudes about gender equality aside, you'd think that millennia of male-centric society would have produced a better term for the pillar of all that is Man. Almost anything would be better- I don't care if it's descriptive or clinical or just sounds cool. "Circumference". "Lifestaff". Whatever. But "penis"? Please.

Those are just a few examples, but I'm sure you can think of more. In fact, I encourage you to. Meanwhile, I will go back to the ebb and flow of my mind to think meaningful thoughts about other important topics. Like cereal.