Whine, whine, whine

I don't like getting into personal issues in my blog- or in real life. Not anything serious, anyway, cuz that's just not me. I'm an intensely private person. Most who know me would say...well, that they don't really know me. So this is a change of pace- don't know why I'm doing it. Part of the "Look at me!! LOVE ME!!!" aspect of blogging, I guess.

It's dawned on me that I've spent the last several years of my life severing myself from the things I care about. I'm not talking about rejecting the wonderful people I have in my life or anything like that; I'm talking about endeavors and activities that bring me fulfillment. When I look back at my life and think of my accomplishments, short list that it is, there's really only a couple categories that I really seem to give a shit about: where I've been and what I've created. Travel and Creation. Haven't done enough of either. At least in (one of) my current jobs, I do get to travel occasionally, and that's my favorite part, even if it is for work. But the creative side....really, right now, I got nothin'. Maybe a blog here or there.

I'm no artist, but my dreams always went that way. What did I want to be when I grew up? Animator, cartoonist, musician, graphic artist, photographer, actor- there were a few other things thrown in there like veterinarian or computer programmer (like THAT should surprise anyone), but mostly it was all about the artistic things that I had little talent for and would bring me no money in the real world.

Two of the biggest dreams were being part of a comedy troupe like Monty Python or the SNL gang, and the REALLY big one, the dream that consumed me throughout my teens and young adulthood- I wanted with all my heart to be a filmmaker. As I watched my favorite movies I would pretend I made them, I bored my friends with talk of Kubrick's mise en scene, I framed shots in my head everywhere I went. But I also knew full well that I didn't have the drive, stamina, or talent to actually, seriously, for reals-y be a film director. Even if I had the talent, the pressure would kill me. And the primary motivating emotion in every life decision I've ever made has been Fear. So I never did anything about pursuing that dream. "Amadeus" is a special film for me for a number of reasons- it just speaks to me. Salieri's belief that God had given him the burning desire to create music and then denied him the talent- it was like it was taken directly from my own brain, and placed in a frame that I consider to be an amazing example of the filmmaker's craft. The perfect metaphor for my own relationship with my cruel muse.

Then, at the end of my college years, I found theatre. Unlike most people I know, I never really was involved in Drama classes at any school- my association came after. Sure, I would always ham it up for my friends, but didn't seriously set foot on a stage until I was supposed to be setting off into my "real" life (still haven't gotten around to that....). Stage acting- and all the other stuff I was doing along with it- finally seemed to satisfy my muse. I've actually never felt the same strong desire to be a film director since. I'd found something that made me happy, made me fulfilled, made me friends, and people seemed to think I didn't completely suck at it. Plus, it mostly didn't involve creating things from whole cloth out of my own mind- never my best talent. Really, I've never had a truly original thought in my life- it's always a reinterpretation of someone else's original thought. Anyway, theatre changed my life. For better or worse, everything my life is now- friends, jobs, everything- is somehow connected to my involvement in theatre beginning in 1989.

This is not just about acting, though. When I look back and smile about something I've done, it can be something I wrote, or the sound design I did for such-and-such show, or that really cool photo I took. And yes, the acting.

However, one thing that I hate- and love- about live theatre is....that it's live. It's so transitory. The immediacy and interaction of a live performance is such a wonderful, magical, terrifying, exhilarating experience, one that I wouldn't have traded for anything else. But I've found over the years that I miss having something tangible to show for it. Unlike a movie or TV show, it simply no longer exists. There's no way for you or anyone else to truly re-live that moment in time (and yes, I do understand and appreciate the beauty of that as well). And videos of stage shows don't ever begin to do them justice. It's all very well for you to have done a decent job playing so-and-so in such-and-thus, but there's no way to really prove it ever happened the way you remember or that you were any good. Being someone who has always lived too much in the past anyway, it's probably why I tend to cling to the evidence I do have of my own past- recordings of my radio shows, those stupid little school videos I posted here a while ago, what few poor-quality show tapes I actually possess- whatever. None of the above are great examples of anything, but at least they're something that I created and can visit once in a while.

Well, boo hoo hoo, enough of that tangent- back to the point: my life as it is. I have my reasons for not having acted in quite a while, most of which I won't bother getting into here. But a lot of it is about 1. always having to be out of town for work during a run, and to a lesser degree, 2. I frankly just don't handle the stress as well as I used to. I've always been the kind of actor that puts too much pressure on my own shoulders and suffers my way through a run- it's not that I don't have any fun or satisfaction- I think a lot of you can at least somewhat identify. "I can't wait to get back on stage!" transforms to "Why do I keep doing this to myself?" and back again. So anyway, one of my reasons for taking an extended break was to regain some sanity (and some evenings and weekends to boot). Now I'm starting to feel that if I don't do something, be it acting or whatever, I'll be losing that sanity anyway. I honestly don't know that I'm quite ready or even logistically able yet to get back up on a stage. But whatever I do, it's about time I made a few life changes and started doing something fulfilling. Whatever that means. And I'm going to get around to it....sometime.