I'm a lousy friend

No really, I am. I suck as a friend. I love my friends and am blessed to have them, but I've never been very good at showing it. Oh, I hug them and say affectionate things, and I mean it when I say it- but that's only when I actually see them, and that's the thing. I'm really a loner at heart. I'm rather shy and unsociable (one of the reasons I identify with the platypus), and going out and being social can be an intimidating effort for me. It doesn't mean I won't enjoy it, but it does take work on my part, and I usually choose to sit on my ass at home instead of going out and having to attempt being interesting. It also all depends on the situation. Some people probably think I'm Mr. Gregarious Laugh-It-Up Boy, while others have rarely heard me speak. It's all about the specific setting, the people, and my comfort level. But in any case, my natural tendency has always been to crawl into my platypussary, where the only one I have to impress is myself, and that's a long-lost cause anyway. I've also always been known to get cranky over unexpected calls or visits, because it requires a mental shift from whatever solitary activity I had planned. I allow very few to get to know me well, and those who do will attest to the truth of everything I'm saying here. I think it comes from a combination of low self-esteem, growing up essentially as an only child, and being my father's son (compared to my dad, I'm Paris Hilton- take that however you like). I always find it amusing that many people- who aren't actors- think that actors must be very outgoing, while my experience is the opposite- most of us are shy, although I dare say few are as anti-social as I am. I like to think that it has something to do with the acting world (as opposed to the "real" world) being scripted and you always know what's going to happen and what you're supposed to do about it- unless you're one of those mentally-questionable improv types... ;) Love you, Badger!!!

Anyway, enough about me- all that blathering about myself simply proves my thesis. Yes, I am a lousy friend. I'm prompted to say this by the fact that an old friend just moved two states away this week, I knew it was happening, and I didn't even seek him out or drop an email until after the fact. For those in the know, I am talking of course about, oh, let's call him ScarySquirrelMan. I did impulsively walk the entire one block to his house the other afternoon to see if he was there- he wasn't- and as it turned out, the next day, he was gone for good. Granted, we've never been the closest of buddies who see each other every day; in fact I haven't set eyes on him in months, but I still feel kinda shitty for not seeing him off. I don't know why I didn't- I only knew he was leaving because of various blogs, wasn't sure when he would be gone, and I never went out much or thought about it when I did, but I should have, dammit. Maybe I was avoiding him because he's only a month younger than me and makes it look SO much better than I do.....

I was thinking the other day that, for someone who has moved in and out of the edges of my world over the years, SSM has been involved in quite a few of the defining experiences of my life. I first met him when we did Foreplay together. (I never get tired of that line!) Yes, it was the so-called "comedy" show that I, SSM, another huge life influence that let's refer to as, say, Lecram, and others created back in our college days at the Fresno State radio station, the mighty KFSR FM. That was the fateful experience that, for better or worse, changed my life and led me to become an actor. A couple years later, I found myself dating the girl he'd recently dumped. I thought she was the love of my life at the time- it burned hot and fast and I haven't seen her in years- but still, SSM was there to influence the course of my life. At some point in the 90s, SSM took off for Seattle, lucky bastard- don't know why, don't really care, I just know he did it. A couple years later, he suddenly, impulsively flew down here and appeared at some gig that our mutual friend Fingers B was doing. It was there, standing in front of Club Fred, that he gave me the wisest and most useful advice I have ever received: Buy Relaxed-Fit Jeans. That way, you can wear a waist size smaller, and remain in denial about your true belly dimensions! To this day, I bless his name whenever I put on pants.

A couple years after that, when Fingers B was getting married, a familiar form walked on the stage to officiate, and an audible gasp went through the room. Could it be? Naaahh, he's in Seattle... holy shit, it is! It seemed that few people knew he was doing the ceremony, or even that he had actually moved back and had apparently been here for QUITE SOME TIME. At this point, I like to think I can take some credit for influencing his life in some small way: I berated him that night, insisting that he needed to get back on the stage and talk to Lecram about doing Theatre J'Nerique stuff. He acted uninterested, so I gave him more shit. I love watching this man on stage- even more, I love being on stage with him. He is enormously talented and damn funny. I hate him for that, of course.

So anyway, I like to think I played some tiny part in pushing SSM toward Lecram, which 1.Created everyone's favorite dysfunctional couple, and 2.Eventually caused the remnants of SSM's soul to be sucked dry by the spiritual maelstrom called Rogue. Along the way, he continued to show up in the middle of some of my most important experiences- or at least most memorable and fun. And now he's gone back to Seattle again. Fucker.

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to post this- I guess I was feeling like I don't show enough appreciation for the people in my life, as well as just feeling stupid for not buying SSM a drink and sending him off with an affectionate, slightly lingering pat on the ass for old times' sake. Besides, even I was surprised when I considered how long I've known him and how often he's kept popping up in my world.

So here's to you, SSM- give the Pacific Northwest what's what. I'll leave with a photo of us in "A Christmas Carol"- I'm the one who looks like Tommy Chong at an S&M club. I'm supposed to look fierce and he's supposed to look terrified, but the brilliant minds at the Fresno Bee chose the shot where we're laughing at some stupid dick joke.